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A Blogaversary Treat Children of the 90s Favorite Analytics Search Terms

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Thankfully, I am the almighty arbiter in ascertaining what exactly constitutes a treat--whether you like it or not. The real question on my mind is, how do all of you get here? I didnt issue any personal handwritten invitations (at least not lately, you see, my calligraphy ink well has run dry), so many of you travel here through the magic of Google. I get about 400 daily visitors who stop by here via Google search, and through the magic of Google Analytics tracking data, Ive learned a great deal about what exactly brings people here.

In honor of the blogaversary I totally forgot about yesterday, I thought Id share with you just a few of the many, many hilarious search terms Ive seen in the past few weeks. Apparently the answer to how some of you got here involves some truly bizarre Googling. Dont worry, though, Im not here to judge. Actually, that was a boldfaced lie. My major purpose is to judge. All in good fun, and all that, but some of these just cant go unsnarked. It would be a disservice to the public to let them go without a brief mocking. Please enjoy the following output of total and utter ridiculousness. All in the spirit of the blogaversary celebration, obviously.



compare contrast essay 90s tv show mash and fresh prince of bell air
Geez, you Googlers sure are philosophical. Whenever I spot a search term like this, Ive got to wonder about the motivation behind it. Sheer curiosity? Bizarre academic assignment? Either way, its sort of an odd pairing.


warner brothers stinky and the brain
You may need a little remedial nostalgia work. Last time I checked, no one named "Stinky" ever plotted to take over the world. I could be wrong.


is 2010 going to be like the 90s
Youve got to love these type of questions. I feel like the internet is both a blessing and a curse; its given us constantly at-our-fingertips access to all sorts of pertinent information, but we cant rely on it for everything. Just ask anyone whos ever cited Wikipedia as a source for a paper. This isnt a crystal ball here, people. What are you expecting? Results found: 1. 1st result: Yes. Happy?


what is self concept of britney spears
Im not sure, why dont you ask her? Much as Id like it, my blog has not yet advanced to the stage of setting up shop in celebrities minds. Ms. Spears has yet to approach me with hopes of sharing her innermost desires and ideals.


children of the nineties official website
Ah, music to my ears. Well, eyes. Whatever the equivalent of eye music is. You know, like visual art. Anyway, these people think Im official. Not too shabby.


is lisa frank dead?
No?

mr and mrs romero are having triplets. suppose the chance of each child being a boy is 50% and of being a girl is 50%. find each probability.
I spy a cheater. I only wish wed had the internet and could solve simple word problems by the process of Googlage. What this person thought hed find at Children of the 90s is beyond me, but I hope he got it figured out eventually.


90s catch phrases no _________ for you
Soup! Soup! Its soup. What do I win?


swallowed a whole role of bubble tape
SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION. Or possibly psychiatric care. Decide quickly, please. Time is likely of the essence.

why did crystal pepsi failed?
Im not sure, but I think the executives disbanded to address the more pressing issue of widespread grammar abuse.


a childrens book about a skunk who makes bread from the 1980s
Why anyone would want to make bread from the 1980s is beyond me. It seems much fresher to bake more up-to-date bread. Then again, if youre a skunk freshness may not be your highest priority. Ah, the wonders of misplaced modifiers.


did carmen san diego ever existed?
I think this one must refer to Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego? How else would you explain all the jumbled tenses?

poop french toast crunch scandal
WHAT??? Ive eaten that cereal. For the life of me, I hope this is some type of misinformed urban legend.

cabbage patch kids coming to life and strangling owner
Again...Im at a loss.

whos that actor whos blond and always plays a douche from the 90s
At least youre getting straight to the point. I suppose Google could care less about your tact.


encino man drinking games
Ooh, if you know any, please share. That sounds awesome. Id be willing to take a shot every time Pauly Shore referred to "chillage". It would probably enhance the movie watching experience considerably.


how to make a slip and slide on cement
Really? What part of this seems like a viably injury-proof idea. I hope you all wore helmets.



good things about cheese handisnacks
Finding an answer in this case will probably take some pretty serious searching. Especially if youre referring to the nutritional value.



is mrs doubtfire based on a true story?
I probably shouldnt even dignify this with a response. Who saw that movie and left the theater believing it was a ripped from the headlines story? Im actually a bit concerned.


video of cats vomitting whoomp
HOW did this bring you here? Please explain. 300 words or fewer. Due Friday.


gigapet depression
Do any of you know? Is this an actual phenomenon? Im tempted to say yes, just because those things are so damn time-consuming and needy. Mine probably suffered from separation anxiety. Thank goodness I dropped it behind a bookshelf and it eventually starved to death.


are those michael jacksons biological children in space jam?
There are so many things wrong with this, I dont even know where to start.


how to remove gak from hair
What exactly were you doing? Im actually sort of curious. Id say peanut butter, but you cant quote me on that.


write an introduction on the topic saved by the bell
No. I do what I want.


Remember when aol had all the chatrooms?
Yes.


What do blue m&ms mean?
Oh, so now each of our candy color varieties needs a backstory? What kind of an answer are you seeking, exactly? Some sort of fortune telling-esque omen? They come from the factory like the rest of the colors. Thats pretty much all there is to it.


khaki wishes and cookie dreams definition/meaning
Ive gotten an inordinate amount of searches like this one. What do you mean what does it mean? Its just a Robin Leach cameo line from Troop Beverly Hills. It doesnt mean anything. I wouldnt overanalyze that movie.


at what part of the song do you start doing the macarena?
I love imagining the kind of person whos too self-conscious to just go with it. Theyve got to search the internet for answers to their outmoded potential dancing faux pas. Its sort of endearing, if not completely embarrassing.


10 things i hate about you is the one of 90s movie teeny bopper i actually enjoyed
I appreciate your willingness to share.


whats that little redheaded brat in that one 90s movie?
Oh right...her.


lisa frank backpacks children
She DOES? We should stage a boycott.


how to make an aggro crag replica
Let me know if you figure this one out. It sounds awesome. Ill totally come race you on it through the glitter dust snow. Only if I can be purple, though.


how come after i eat warheads my tongue is weird
Just a guess, but that highly artificial tastebud-burning chemical might play a role. I cant say for sure..


90s show that kids traveled into the internet through power lines to battle evil
Was this a real thing? Id love to watch it.


arent pushpops also good?
Yes.


use the expression you go girl in a sentence
You just did. Well, almost.


sometimes i tape my thumbs together and pretend Im a dinosaur
I actually had to look into this one, its just so ridiculous. I found out its a variation on a weird Google search autocomplete. Still. Weird. And how exactly did it bring this person here? Some mysterious are probably better left unsolved.


how do i become the next lisa frank
This. Is. Awesome. I really hope someone out there had an answer for you, kid. Id say a legal name change might put you on the right track, although I cant guarantee youll be the next. Someone might beat you to it. You better run, not walk, to file that court order.



Well, 90s children, thats about all the fun-poking Ive got for you today. Join us again next time for your regularly scheduled installment of Children of the 90s. Oh, and if any of you were the mysterious Googlers in question, fess up. Ive got so many things I need to ask you...

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