Serial Game Movie

A Couple of Cheap Shots at Big Movies Because Im So Smart

I just went to see the new Batman movie, which was so long that I am still watching it. Its about a guy named Bane with a weird accent and a bunch of issues, who is only defeated when the good guys finally manage to figure out his secret weakness. (Spoiler: Its bullets.)

Since its a Big Hollywood Movie, it was preceded by trailers for all the other upcoming Big Hollywood Movies. Two of them attracted my notice ...


Jack Reacher (Trailer here. It is worth watching, as this movie will be genuinely terrible.)

This is about a violent gun guy who goes on adventures and beats people up and "doesnt care about proof, doesnt care about the law. He only cares about whats right." Which all sounds great until you find out hes Tom Cruise.

Im sorry, but is there one single person here on Gods Green Earth (besides Tom Cruise) who thinks its a good idea to give Tom Cruise arbitrary power over anything bigger than a Hot Dog On a Stick franchise?

"Remember, you wanted this."

NO! I REALLY DIDNT!



The Hobbit (Trailer here. Watch it before they split it into three parts.)

I cant say much about the upcoming Hobbit movies, though I hear the the novelization of the film by J.R.R.R. Tolkineinin is above average. I know that the world created in the prequels by Peter Jackson is an interesting one, though overly dependent on tired fantasy tropes.

I do, however, have some qualms with the decision to split the book up into three (THREE!) movies. Im sorry, but you cannot do this with any book whose big, dramatic high point is a RIDDLE CONTEST.

Seriously, when I was a kid, they could wrap this crap up in 77 minutes, and that version even found time to put in Tom Bombadil.

I was really looking forward to it until I saw this trailer, with its wacky dwarves, interminable pacing, and refreshing lack of action or incident. Three movies? Dear God. This adaption will be so long that Im already watching it.

Available link for download

90s Tearjerker Movies

Sometimes, we all just need a good cry. Watching a great tearjerker is a bittersweet experience: the emotional release can be enjoyable, but the sadness lingers. Im still not totally over the whole Bambis-mom-getting-knocked-off-by-a-hunter thing. It haunts me still.

Its a testament to the quality and effectiveness of a movie when it has the power to make you reach for the Kleenex. Bonus points if it warrants a whole box. When a movie moves you to tears, it allows you to really let it all out. Plus, its totally embarrassing if there are other people around. Some tips? I recommend pretending you have a bad cold or a loose contact lens. Practically foolproof.

Defining a solid tearjerker is tenuous territory. Plenty of movies have the power to move us, but only some give you that satisfying release of a much-needed cry. Some might be heavy contenders for tears on the basis of subject matter alone--for example, a well-executed war movies. This list, however, focuses more on the non-violent genre. Or, dare I say it, girlier movies. Okay, fine, chick flicks. But I threw in a few neutral picks as well, so, you know. Youre welcome.

Youre more than welcome to add your own favorite cry-a-minute picks to the list in the comment section. It can serve as a reliable reference for when the next cryfest urge hits. So, whether you consider yourself to be an emotional lightweight or possess tear ducts of unmovable steel, here are some movies likely to make you bawl like a little girl...whether or not you ever were one:



Titanic


If youre watching Titanic at will, you cant say they didnt warn you; its a pretty sure bet you know just what youre getting yourself into. On the off chance you dont, spoiler alert: the boat sinks. Rose swears to Jack that shell never let go, but then he freezes to death and she lets go. Not much for follow through, dont you think? Joking aside, it still gets me every time. Im only partially embarrassed to admit I usually keep a fully stocked Kleenex supply on hand if the Titanic mood ever strikes.


Ghost


Youve got to miss Patrick Swayze when you consider the tearjerking reflex of Ghost. The movie examines a murdered mans posthumous observation of his former lover in mourning. Ghost has some interesting ideas about what happens to our loved ones when they die, striking a tearful chord with any movie-watchers who have ever lost someone close to them. Throw in that much-satirized pottery wheel scene and youve got yourself a surefire cry session.


Selena



As a kid I could watch this one over and over again, though I think I may have been more interested in Selenas spangly stage outfits than her eventual demise at the hands of her fan club president. Its an interesting story, even more so because its a ripped from the headlines account of a likable teenage girl poised on the brink of potential stardom. Jennifer Lopezs portrayal of the Mexican-American singer is believable and sweet; you cant help but feel for her family, friends, and fans for her tragic murder. Theres also some really catchy music as an added bonus, so its sort of a twofer.


Steel Magnolias



Take one look at this cast and tell me this isnt the ultimate chick flick. It out-chicks the rest of the genre on cast alone. I mean, really. Dolly Parton, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacLaine, Sally Field...theyve really got all chick flick hands on deck with this one. Based on the play of the same name, Steel magnolias explores the relationships between a group of close-knit Southern women as they encounter various obstacles in their lives. The movie throws around a lot of funny one-liners toward the beginning, so the whole tragedy/death thing sort of sneaks up on you. Let me tell you though, its a doozy,


Whats Eating Gilbert Grape?



Gilbert (Johnny Depp) lives his small town life with his a 500-pound widowed mother, a developmentally disabled younger brother (Leonardo DiCaprio), and a married lover (Mary Steenburgen.) The movie has an offbeat oddball warmth and appeal, endearing us to this dysfunctional family. Whats Eating Gilbert Grape isnt showy and high-minded. It shows us everyday life at its most basic and mundane, making it all the more affective. Bring on the tissues.


Stepmom


Heres a handy hint: if one of your movies major characters is terminally ill, its pretty darn likely that movie will try its hardest to elicit uncontrollable sobbing. Like Roberts other film on this list, it starts out heavy on the humor and then gets us when weve let down our defenses and are at our most movie-watching vulnerable. I remember the previews for this movies hinted nothing about anyone dying a slow and painful death, so many of us were stuck wiping our eyes on our sleeves and popcorn wrappers. I was totally unprepared for this one.


My Girl



Vada (Anna Chlumsky) is an eleven year old hypochondriac whose widower father is in the disconcerting funeral parlor biz. The movie follows Vada through her everyday trials on her path to adolescence, detailing her crushes, friendships, and social tribulations. Her best friend, Thomas J (Macaulay Culkin) is deathly allergic to bee stings, so surprise surprise, he gets stung. Thats when the floodgates really opened for me. That scene in the woods is pretty brutal. The movie has no shortage of heart, so at least the ending


The Piano


It takes a very well-conceived and well-executed movie to leave you uneasy and haunted after watching it, and The Piano pulls it off skillfully. The story is intriguing: a mute pianist with a daughter forced by her family into an arranged marriage. It explores emotions in an interesting way, and the result is a movie we are willing to invest in emotionally.


Edward Scissorhands



Who wouldve thought a movie about a man with shears for hands could be so touching? Johnny Depp is truly masterful as Edward Scissorhands in this quirky but ultimately moving movie from Tim Burton. The product of a mad inventors experiment, Edward lives as an isolated outsider. Not only does this movie have the potential to make you cry, it also allows you to marvel over the fact that the villainous character is played by Anthony Michael Hall. The role is certainly a far cry from his brat pack days. It just goes to show, if you eventually beef up go through puberty, you may have a whole new world of evil-tinged roles at your fingertips.


Jerry Maguire


Finally, a movie a guy can feel comfortable sobbing uncontrollably at. Its okay: its about sports! The bulk of the movie is an earnest depiction of Jerrys quest for happiness on a career path paved by ruthless success. Throw in Renee Zellweger, though, and youve got yourself a serious cry fest. She pretty much had us at hello.


Philadelphia


At a time when AIDS was still largely off-limits subject matter for popular entertainment, Philadelphia delivers a story about AIDS that is both moving and respectful. Tom Hanks plays Andrew Beckett, a gay lawyer in Philadelphia who has not come out to his coworkers. As he begins to show signs of illness, he suspects he has been framed by his firm to give reasonable cause to firing him. Hanks performance is a testament to the power of an actor to make us feel for his plight and symp0athize with his situation. At a time when AIDS was largely a taboo subject, Philadelphia gave us a realistic and human look at its impact.


Free Willy



This movie forever changed my ability to visit Sea World. Its not that I cant, because lets be honest here, I have; its more that it leaves me with a sort of undefinable sadness. Not so much at the whole entrapped and forced to do tricks thing, but more that Ill never have an orca of my own to dramatically jump over me at just the right moment. Ive been waiting patiently, but the moment has yet to present itself.


It takes a special sort of movie to bring forth such strong emotions, but if youre in the mood for a good cry any of the above movies should more than fit the bill. They are not all fine works of high-concept cinema, but they will definitely do the trick. Just dont forget the Kleenex multi-pack: youre going to need it.

Available link for download

90s Underdog Sports Movies

Because most of us arent Olympic-caliber athletes and will never earn multimillion dollar contracts with professional sports franchises, the underdog story tends to speak to us on a personal level. When it does, its saying something like, "You may not be talented, but with this level of drive and determination you can outshine all of those people with legitimate athletic ability." Its like a small way of keeping the dream alive. As a child you may have fantasized about playing in the NBA or being an Olympic gold-medal gymnast, but when puberty ended and you were either 51 or 67 respectively, you may have had to adjust your dreams slightly. Actually, the short guy might have just wanted to trade with the tall guy, and you may have been gone on to great success in living out the others wildest calisthenic desires.

The underdog story strikes a special chord with all of us, regardless of how successful we are in our current endeavors. At one point or another, every one of us has had at least a brief taste of hopelessness and self doubt. If our lives worked like the movies, we would see these feelings as our cue to grow and learn and eventually beat out our anonymously evil opponent, but unfortunately real life doesnt play out that way. Thats precisely what makes the theme so attractive to us in film: it gives us a sliver of hope that we may someday achieve our indefinitely improbable dream.

Who doesnt like to root for the underdog? I once almost won the jackpot in a March Madness pool by picking a solid lineup of underdogs. At the time, I had no knowledge of college basketball, so I based my strategy solely on my knowledge of cheesy, heartwarming sports cinema. For awhile, it was really working for me, too. If only things had ended up as well for the teams Id chosen as they had for say, the Mighty Ducks, I would have been a temporarily rich woman.

While not always probable, these stories help us get through the hard times. Or at the very least, they test our crying reflexes. Some of these warrant a full Kleenex multi-pack. Dont say I didnt warn you.


Mighty Ducks



I still cant believe this is sitting steady at 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. Its a 90s classic. Its many many sequels and franchising opportunities tell the real story; we didnt necessarily need a critically acclaimed movie to rush out and buy oodles of licensed merchandise. We would settle for a standard underdog story. Our consumerism isnt too picky.

Rudy

RUDY - Feature Film Trailer from Edgar Faarup on Vimeo.

Rudy is truly one of those classic underdog movies. Even just watching the trailer gets me all riled up against everyone who told Rudy that his dreams were impossible. Granted, they were probably right. Like the groundskeeper remarks, hes 5 foot nothin and weighs a hundred and nothin, plus he has no real aptitude for athletics. None of that is enough to deter Rudy, though, bless his heart. Hes a pretty persistent guy.

Good thing, too, because hes become an enduring inspiration to us 90s kids. It wouldnt work as well if hed thrown in the proverbial towel, no matter how sweaty hed gotten it. If this movie didnt make you cry, maybe nothing will. Its a real tears-of-joy kind of flick.

The Sandlot



This movie is just brimming with quotable one-liners and pure, kid-driven heart. Its a sweet movie filled with ragtag misfits that separates itself from the pack of underdogs by not focusing so heavily on winning or losing. Whats more important, it seems, is just being a kid. And avoiding certain death at the jaws of a savage English Mastiff. You know, the usual.


A League of their Own



I dont care what the degree of odds stacked against you as a professional female baseball player: there is absolutely no crying in baseball. I checked all of the rulebooks and Jimmy Dugan is absolutely right. No crying. Even if youre a Rockford Peach and have thin skin.



Hoop Dreams



Alas, proof that the heartstring-tugging underdog story isnt always fictional. Hoop Dreams is a documentary, but its really only about basketball on a surface level. Like many documentaries, it gets to the heart of issues including race and societal values. The movie follows two kids for six years (8th grade to college) as they progress in their athletic careers, and these filmmakers captured more drama and tension than that found in fictional screenplays. In short, its a great movie. If you havent already, your homework assignment is to watch it. Report back on Monday.

Ladybugs



Cross-dressing movies are inherently funny, right? I havent seen this one in ages, but as I kid I was pretty certain it was knee-slappingly hilarious. A clueless Rodney Dangerfield (is there any other kind?) ends up coaching a girls soccer team and enlists his soon-to-be stepson as one of the players. I had a huge crush on Jonathan Brandis, so I watched this movie probably 30 times. Consecutively. Im still not over his death. Anyway, back to the movie: adults probably found it pretty hit or miss, but it was child-directed comedic gold.


Mystery, Alaska


There are so many characters in this movie, its almost tough to tell whos the underdog. The movie essentially takes a stand against things that are fairly easy to take a stand against: evil big corporations, people who cheat on their spouses, sleazy television producers; its not a huge leap to get us on board with it all. The big hockey game almost feels like a secondary plot in this one, though, so it didnt earn as much fanfare as its underdog-rooting cinematic peers.


Major League


Cut me a little slack here; this one came out in 1989, but it has all the classic makings of a 90s underdog story. Even that trailer follows the misfit montage to a T. Unlike some of the other movies on this list, Major League actually manages to be funny while executing its hackneyed storyline. Were willing to forgive the cliches because its a genuinely entertaining film. Plus, Charlie Sheen plays Charlie Sheen. Thats so unlike him.

The Cutting Edge


Okay, okay, I admit. I have a weakness for incredibly cheesy sports movies. As far as sports films go, this is pretty much as girly as it gets. At least this film throws another standard cliche into the mix: the mismatched-but-inevitably-suited-for-romance partnership. The spoiled Muffy and tough-guy meathead are clearly meant to be together from the beginning, but the fun of the movie is in watching the tribulations of their initial togetherness. Spoiler alert: They win, and they get together. Im sure youre shocked.


Little Giants


Wow, how young is Ed ONeill in that trailer?

I loved this movie as a kid, but looking at it now its obvious its about as by the books as you can get with an underdog story. Its like the writers took every Bad News Bears-style cliche from every kids sports film ever made and synthesized them into a single film. They may well have named it, Generic Cliched Sports Film: Childrens Edition. Even with its weaknesses, it appeals well to children. Anyone over the age of 10 may not be quite so generous with their reviews, unless they had a real thing for Devon Sawa. I know I did.


It goes to show that films dont need originality to entertain us. They can usually make up for it with a hearty dose of feeding our delicate psyches the reinforcement and reassurance it needs to delude us into thinking we can achieve the impossible. Dont get me wrong. Dream big, and all that. We dont watch movies to remind us of our own shortcomings; we watch movies to escape from the mundane trials of daily life. For the most part, it works too. Assuming the little guy wins, that is.

Available link for download